


The finest to compose could not play our pain

by historyofbellarke



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brief Mention of Past Suicidal Thoughts, F/M, Not Beta Read, Octavia's pov, Rating for Language, Strong Language, look y'all i just swear a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:22:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28766262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/historyofbellarke/pseuds/historyofbellarke
Summary: Rewrite of the Octavia x Clarke x Bellamy scene from 7x12… told mostly from Octavia’s point of view. Octavia is the fly on the wall of the scene we deserved.(Or, the author gets her frustrations out in a one-shot.)
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake & Clarke Griffin
Comments: 22
Kudos: 47





	The finest to compose could not play our pain

**Author's Note:**

  * For [changingthefairy_tale](https://archiveofourown.org/users/changingthefairy_tale/gifts).



> I picked this scene because Bellamy and Clarke were so emotionally vulnerable and literally locked in a room together. If Bell and Clarke seem OOC for their season 7 selves, it's because I reject S7 B & C.
> 
> *Title is from [Another Life by Motionless in White](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pj2miRJ6bZs)

As Octavia sat there in silence on the thin mattress that was barely protecting her from the freezing floor, she tried to figure out what the hell had just happened.

_Bellamy is alive. Hope is an adult. Bellamy is fucked up. Hope is fucked up._

_Hope._

_I finally get it now._

She chuckled quietly at that thought and Clarke turned her angry glare Octavia’s way.

“Something funny? Because I don't see anything humorous about this.”

“I'm smiling because I realized, I finally understand you.”

“Really? How so?” Clarke shot back. Octavia knew that tone – it was the one that said “this better be good.” 

“You have Madi, I have Hope. I'd do anything to keep her safe.”

Clarke’s face softened immediately. She knew what it was like to live her life for just one other person. If _anyone_ knew – it was Clarke.

And Bellamy.

“How long were you on Penance?” Clarke asked, genuinely curious.

“We call it Skyring. 10 years. Good ones.”

_I miss it. I miss it so much._

“What?” Clarke asked, noticing immediately the change in O’s demeanor.

“A couple of days ago, she was just our little girl. Now she's messed up like the rest of us.” Octavia’s voice cracked and Clarke immediately came over to comfort her (and herself).

Clarke threw her arms around Octavia as both women had tears streaming down their face. For Madi, Hope, Bellamy, the lost years, the lost happiness – everything and the unfairness of it all.

After a few minutes, Clarke pulled away but kept an arm wrapped around Octavia.

“I never thanked you… for helping Bellamy bring me back from… well, death.” Clarke’s voice caught on the last word. That was only a few days ago for Clarke, but it had been over a decade for Octavia.

“It was one of Hope’s favorite stories growing up. I raised her on stories of the hundred, just like you did with Madi.”

_Stories. Hope’s favorites were always the ones of Bellamy and Clarke. All the times that they had risked everything for the other._

_Stories._

There was one she never told Hope – the one where Bellamy poisoned her. Octavia had come to terms with what he did and why, but Hope looked up to Bellamy – even though Octavia thought that they would never meet – and she didn’t want to tarnish Hope’s image of him.

Octavia had planned on telling her when she was older and could understand. But, well…

Something occurred to her.

_Clarke deserves to know._

Octavia pulled away from Clarke completely and turned to her. _Guess this is as good of time as any._

“Did Bellamy ever tell you why he poisoned me?”

Clarke startled. This had clearly taken a turn that she was not expecting.

“Yeah of course. It was to save us from Blodreina.”

Octavia rolled her eyes. _Of course it was. These fucking idiots will never tell each other anything._

“No. It was to save _YOU_ from me.”

Clarke’s eyebrows scrunched in the way that told Octavia that she didn’t understand.

“Did you know I banished Echo from camp?”

Clarke nodded.

“He came to fight me over it. To try and talk some sense into me. He told me that if Echo left, he was leaving, too. He fought me, but he held back. His strength surprised me and he could’ve killed me if he wanted to. But he didn’t.”

“Of course he didn’t. Bellamy never wanted to hurt you.”

Octavia was ready to scream. For being one of the smartest people she had ever mmet, Clarke could be as dense as a boulder when it came to Bellamy.

“Yes – he held back. I knew that Echo would die outside camp and so did Bellamy. But he held back. By leaving me alive, it left Echo’s banishment in place. When I sentenced **you** to death, Bellamy didn’t even hesitate. He came to me and said that he wouldn’t let me hurt you and then he **poisoned** me.”

Octavia watched as Clarke slowly put the pieces together.

“But why would he ---?”

“You **KNOW** why, Clarke. My dumbass brother has been in love with you since the day you met. It just took your ‘death’ for him to finally figure it out.”

Clarke shook her head adamantly. “No. He’s with Echo. He loves Echo. Even if… even if he… no. He’s with Echo.”

“Before he poisoned me, I accused him of begging for your life – because he loved you. I didn’t know he would try to kill me, but I should have. Especially as Blodreina. It’s only because I was so fucked up that I didn’t see it.

“It had been so long since I lost Lincoln and I had completely closed off the part of me that could truly love. I forgot what it was like – to risk everything for one person. Loving Hope reawakened that part of my heart and suddenly everything made sense. YOU are Bellamy’s person that he would risk everything for.”

“Then why ---”

Just then, the door opened Bellamy and his guards came in.

Both Clarke and Octavia immediately stood up. Octavia shot an annoyed look at her brother. “Really, Bellamy? That scared of us that you need your guards?”

Bellamy motioned for the guards to leave. “It’s ok. They won’t hurt me.”

_You sure about that, big brother?_

Octavia opened her mouth to say something, but Clarke beat her to the punch.

“What the FUCK is this, Bellamy? Who the fuck are you?”

“Clarke… I know everything seems weird, but when I was on Etherea, I had an experience that changed me to my core.”

Bellamy recounted the story of what happened on Etherea, but Octavia mostly zoned out. She had been on Bardo long enough to know how they manipulate people’s minds and brainwash them into this cult. She just needed to know figure out how to break him out of it.

Clarke’s voice dragged Octavia out of her thoughts.

“Bellamy…”

“… Clarke – I… I know how this sounds, but it’s real. A war is coming. The last war we will ever fight. Win it, and we become the light.”

 _Fucking Cadogan._ Now Octavia was just annoyed.

“Did he tell you what happens if we lose?”

Bellamy barely tore his eyes away from Clarke to answer O. “We won’t.”

“Who are you?” Octavia could barely hear Clarke’s whispered question. Of course, Bellamy heard her loud and clear.

“Clarke –”

“No. Who ARE you? The last time I saw you, you were my best friend. I thought you DIED, Bellamy. And then you come back and I don’t have any idea who you are.”

“Clarke, I am the same person who brought you back from the dead, who refused to give up on you!” By now, Bellamy was screaming.

His resolve was already starting to crack… but so was Clarke’s who was still reeling from Octavia’s revelation.

It was too much. Clarke had lost too many people. She couldn’t lose another one – especially when he was standing right there in front of her and very much alive.

Clarke _snapped._

“ **WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BELLAMY I LOVED?!”**

Everything immediately went silent.

_Did she just – Yup, yup she did. Well, I guess that’s one way to get him to shut up._

Recognizing that she was no longer part of this conversation, Octavia sat back down on the mattress. She knew that she couldn’t go anywhere, with Bellamy’s guards right outside, and a not-so-small part of Octavia was ready just to watch the Bellamy and Clarke show.

After all, she’d been waiting for them to get their shit together for the better part of two decades.

Bellamy just stood there with his mouth flapping open and closed. Finally, he squeaked out a feeble: “what?”

Clarke set her jaw and determination flashed in her eyes. “You heard me.”

And then, something seemed to steel inside of Clarke. It was more than clear that Octavia’s presence was completely forgotten. 

“You heard me. What happened to the Bellamy I loved? What happened to the Bellamy who brought me back to life? My co-leader, my best friend –“

“Clarke –“

“No. Shut up and listen. 2,199. Do you know what that number means? That is the number of days that I waited for you to come back to Earth. I called you 2,199 times. Not because you were the one who kept me sane, it was because you were the only one I wanted to talk to. Then you came back looking like a goddamn avenging angel and saved me from Diyoza. When they took me back to my cell, I really thought I had hallucinated the whole thing. I was dying and of course, OF COURSE I saw you. It wasn’t until you came to hold me in my cell that I realized you were really, truly home. Which meant that for the first time in six years, **I** was home.

“I waited SIX YEARS for you to come back and when you do, it’s with ECHO?! The person who tried to kill me – tried to kill Octavia?”

_Yes, brother, I too would like to know the answer to that question._

“You didn’t even have the decency to tell me. I found out just like Octavia did – by watching you kiss her. This woman who had endangered all of us. Do you have ANY idea how much that hurt? I waited six years for you to come back and be a family with me and Madi but when you did, you were with ECHO.”

Clarke _finally_ took a breath, and her tone softened. “And you know what? I could’ve grown to accept you and Echo – especially once I grew to realize how much she had changed.

“But then we got to Sanctum and you threw everything away just for the chance to save me. You threw away our family’s ONE chance at being safe, just for the CHANCE to save me. I understood the decision to not try and save me – it was probably even the right choice – but then you turned right back into the reckless Bellamy that I loved. When I came back, you looked at me with _those_ eyes and suddenly I was right back to before you went to the Ring. It was like nothing had changed. But EVERYTHING had changed. You were still in love with Echo and I…

“So yeah, I loved you – but I have no idea who the man is that’s standing right in front of me. Because you sure as hell are not the Bellamy I loved.”

_Well damn._

By now, Clarke had stopped crying and her last words were barely a whisper. She looked absolutely _broken_ and it shattered Octavia’s heart. She loved Clarke like a sister and always had.

Octavia knew that seeing Clarke in pain was Bellamy’s biggest weakness – at least, _their_ Bellamy. She didn’t know what was about to happen, but she knew that if there was anything left of her brother in that person wearing his skin, he would start to break through.

_Your turn, Bell. Better make this good._

“You **loved** me?”

_Quick on the uptake there, Bell._

“Yeah, I did. I still do. I couldn’t stop if I tried. I know because I tried so many times before you left on the Ring.”

“Why… why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Because, Bellamy – everyone I love dies. EVERYONE. I lost Finn and Lexa only a few months apart; but what I felt for them was **nothing** compared to what I felt for you – how much I **loved** you. I couldn’t lose another person so I tried so hard to make myself ignore what my heart was telling me. It’s why I sent you into Mt Weather and why I left afterwards. It’s why I stayed in Polis. I thought if I just left you alone, you would move on and I wouldn’t curse you the way I seemed to curse everyone else.

“But then you left me on earth. It was the right thing to do – you would have all died if you had stayed even a few seconds longer – but those six years alone confirmed my worst fears and most secret hope: that I could never, ever stop loving you.”

_I swear to every god I don’t believe in that if anyone comes in here to interrupt this, I am kicking their ass._

Bellamy’s voice drew Octavia out of her mental threats against every single person who wasn’t currently in the room. “I died the day you did.”

Clarke visibly flinched back at this. Apparently, whatever she was expecting him to say, that was not it.

“I watched the death wave come over the earth from the Ring and I wanted to be down there with you. I would’ve given my life for just a few more minutes with you and I would’ve smiled while doing it.

“Do you know how many times I tried to tell you that I loved you? That day on the beach, when you told me that Octavia would eventually come around and see how special I was –

_Wait a minute – you ever doubted that?_

“I was so close to telling you but you stopped me. I think part of you knew exactly what I was going to say. That conversation haunted me every single day on the Ring. For years, I hated myself for not ignoring you and just telling you.

“Also – I know EXACTLY how many days we were on the Ring. I know because **I talked to you every single day, too.** ”

By now, Bellamy was nearly screaming and the anguish in his voice was palpable. Both Clarke and Bellamy had tears streaming down their faces, but neither had moved from their opposite ends of the room. It almost seemed that if they got too close, they would lose their nerve.

Bellamy took a breath and tried to steady his voice.

“I talked to your ghost every single day that we were up there. I promised you that I would take care of our family, told you about every stupid thing that we did up there. When Murphy was in a coma, I called out to you to help us save him. I never believed in ghosts or an afterlife, but I constantly looked for any sign to show me that you were OK. That you could hear me when I told you I loved you.

“I was never happy on the Ring. I also wasn’t **me** on the Ring. Jordan called the old me ‘heart Bellamy’ and that part of me died with you. My heart was closed off. So yes, I got with Echo. And yes, a part of me loved her and will always love her. But it was _nothing_ compared to what I feel for you.

“When I got back to earth and Madi told me that you were alive, everything stopped. I ran off with this girl I had never seen before just because she invoked your name. I left behind the family that I had just spent six years with, not knowing if more people with guns were going to attack us, because you were in trouble. But you were ALIVE. Holding you was the first time I had felt like I was home since the day I left earth.

“I didn’t tell you about Echo because, honestly, I forgot about her. That was always my weakness with you – when you were around, nothing else mattered. **Nothing**. When she showed up in the rover, it was the first time I had really thought about her in days. And then I felt so fucking **guilty** about that - and my brain needed some time to catch up with reality. But then, we were heading into another war and you left me to die.

“Bellamy, I –”

“No, please, let me finish. I am not mad at you about that. Madi reminded me what it was like to give up everything for one person. And for you, Madi was that one person. I did the same thing for Octavia - I just needed someone to remind me.”

At some point, Bellamy’s tears had stopped, and he had a small smile on his face, lost in thought as though he was replaying a memory. Clarke clearly wanted to say something, but she gave him his space. If nothing else, she owed it to herself to hear the whole story.

He shook his head and seemed to come back to the present.

“Echo and I broke up right after we got to Sanctum.”

_WHAT?!_

“What?!”

“At least, I thought I had made it pretty clear that we were over. We could never work with you alive because I wasn’t the same _person_ that Echo fell in love with. Echo fell in love with ‘head Bellamy,’ but my heart was back. And that person could only ever love you. It wasn’t fair to Echo to be with her when I was in love with somebody else.”

Bellamy stopped then, waiting for Clarke to finally look him in the eye. At the prolonged silence, Clarke finally looked up and met his gaze.

“Clarke, I have been falling in love with you since the minute you came down the ladder on the dropship and yelled at me. I have _known_ that I was in love with you since the day you pled for my life with Jaha – even after everything I had put you and the others through.

“But you were with Finn. And then Lexa. I _did_ try to move on. But even when you abandoned us and I was with Gina, the _second_ I saw you being dragged across the field as Roan’s hostage, I forgot everything. I wanted to run across a battle field even with Azgeda marching on it. I tried to run after you even while I was bleeding out from Roan’s stab wound to my leg. Kane and Monty had to physically hold me back from going on a suicide mission that wouldn’t save you anyway.”

Octavia sat there holding her breath, trying to be as invisible as possible. She didn’t want anything to snap these two fucking idiots out of their confessions.

No one is sure who moved first, but suddenly Bellamy and Clarke were sobbing in each other’s arms. Both of them mumbling apologies for how stupid they were.

_About. Fucking. Time._

Instantly, both of their heads snapped to where Octavia was sitting.

_Shit did I just say that out loud?_

The three of them sat there in disbelief at everything that had just happened.

It was Octavia who sobered up first. “Ok, so now what?”

Bellamy and Clarke had apparently forgotten where they were and what was happening.

“Bellamy, you’re still a disciple. Clarke and I are prisoners.”

“I don’t know.” Bellamy replied. “I wanted to be free of my pain – for all of us to be free – which is why I joined the disciples. I wanted a future for all of you without more fighting.”

“Bellamy, I don’t know what our future holds – but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let Cadogan decide it for us.”

Bellamy nodded in agreement. “I need some time. I will figure something out. Do you trust me?”

“Always,” said Clarke. Bellamy turned his gaze to Octavia who nodded in agreement.

“Ok. Then follow my lead.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on [Tumblr](http://historyofbellarke.tumblr.com)


End file.
